“Too much information,” he heard her say as he was revealing to her his dream involving his sexual encounter with Julie.
“ Yes, we did it in the corridor of the restaurant where she worked,” he said. He continued; “It happened so fast, all I really remember was getting up first from the floor, and watching her readjust her clothing. The opportunity presented itself and we both just fell into it. It wasn’t about lust: it was more of a mutual obligation to honor the act. We both saw it coming from afar off, and we waited until the time of fruition. It was right for both of us.”
Jessica walked away, perhaps in partial disgust or maybe because other issues entered her mind. She was only 2l then, a slender girl with long reddish auburn hair, blue eyes, and a complexion on the freckled side. She had a great passion for envirotechnology, and was working toward her degree to land a career in this field. She saw a great deal of industrial pollution in her hometown, which was near the nickel mines, and she too was a victim of toxic wastes entering and slowly poisoning her internal organs over her life-span.
She attended a symposium in Dallas where she attained a great wealth of knowledge. After, she briefed him on the main global concerns the scientific community at large held as most important for the survival of all living things on earth. She exclaimed, “You would not believe how knowledgeable these people are. They should be the governors of the earth.”
“Oh, I believe you Jessica, but don’t you think some of this information is propaganda? Now just wait. What I mean to say is, it is going to happen. We will destroy our planet and ourselves. We are already beyond the saving point. All we can do now is extend the life of our planet. Our carrying capacity on earth exceeded itself in l986. It’s common knowledge now,” he said.
He did not want to break her spirit; he only wanted her to readjust her perspective. He once shared her passion, her idealistic endeavor to make a great contribution to this place where we dwell, but now, he believed in God; in fact, he had great confidence in the Maker returning and restoring this planet as well as all other worlds, which were once inhabited. He knew of the infinite number of worlds, each one being called earth, worlds of the past, present, and future whose number only God could count, worlds without end, but he did not want to take her there. He wanted something else.
Whenever he looked into a woman's eyes, he would always search for the magnitude of light within. Finding light in the pupils, he believed, was a sign of intelligence, a way to reach the soul. In Jessica, he saw a special light. It was a familiar light, a friendly light, a light, which spoke to him saying, "We are close, so close that she cannot utter the words. I am her spirit speaking to yours." When he made strong eye contact with her, he could sense a great joy for both of them. It was as if he was looking back to the creations of heaven, believing that he and Jessica once did many things together. Now this was not something he could just blotter out to her: she had to make the discovery on her own. His only role at this time in her life was to prompt her, to give her hints, subtle clues, and a desire to investigate the mysteries within.
He would do this by opening himself up to her. He wanted to stand naked in front of her. Yes, he wanted to be that bold with her. His nakedness would symbolize the unleashing of the spirit. The more naked he could become, the more she could see… not with her natural eyes, but with her spiritual ones, those eyes that let people see beyond the veil into the other world where people live as spirits. It takes practice and patience to get there, but all have this gift; he felt that if he could start to help her see this way at age 2l, she would have a wide range of motion and influence in the spirit world by the time she reached his age, which was 2l years her senior.
There was so much more he wanted to reveal to her, but he knew about youth, how precious it is, and what the sacrifice of exchanging it for wisdom entails. It takes a whole lifetime to develop wisdom’s fullest riches; but soul-enhancing information could be presented to her now in small segments.
The heart is the source, he discovered. The heart is the key to all metaphysical knowledge whether a man be learned or unlearned.
One of the methods for gaining metaphysical knowledge besides praying and fasting is to pierce the heart with fear. Fear is the knowledge of God. Anyone who has read the Psalms knows this. But shock value is very hard to come by and most misunderstood. It is not attractive to scare oneself, and society, in general, does not endorse it as the common good for humanity.
But anyone who has received a shot of fear will be or shall desire to be connected to an omni benevolent power.
When the heart is shocked, it releases information that could otherwise never be known. The heart is a bank of great truths, a home that the spirit occupies, and a loading ground for the blood to carry cells of information to the brain. Suddenly, a dark unknown relic of mystery is hurled into consciousness. The light comprehends a new entity void of its former shadow. There can be moments of sudden realization. A birth of new truth to the body begins. There is a grasping of understanding, affirmation, and reasoning.
He did not want to scare her. He wanted to shape her, to give her the tools, the coping mechanisms, the life strategies for her time here and beyond mortal existence.
He had spent some time pondering on the learned behaviors of his North American culture: what was learned as being right and wrong; how the population accepted over a few generations a specific class of behaviors. Then, he took a look at his life, and saw how many of those behaviors he had unlearned over the past fifteen years.
He no longer worked five days a week, eight hours or more per day, or ate his meals at 8:00 am, l2:00 p.m., or 6:00 p.m.: he learned to live a simpler life following the motto of his roommate, twelve years earlier, who used to say, “Live simple, consume less.”
Yes, this was now his practice. And what did he miss by not following the main stream? The only thing he could think of was the desire or challenge to escape it. When there were those brief moments like a weekend getaway or a small two week vacation, he remembered always looking forward to them, enjoying them, being caught up in the experiences, and then, the sudden realization that the fun would soon have to stop. In retrospect, he could say that he did enjoy being in the mainstream, because, those brief moments away from it were more enjoyable than the freedom he now has. “But you know,” he thought, “being in the mainstream is like taking drugs. You get that brief high on those vacations, but then you pay the price with a burden on your mind and body when you return.” Oh how he wished the masses would learn this wisdom.
And how he wished Jessica would learn this. “But she has so many talents,” he thought, “and the mainstream is that river where she can develop those talents to a max. I must let her explore. It is her identity, her spirit.”
Jessica was highly intelligent. She had made the honor role at high school in all of her grades. By the time she had reached twenty-six years of age, she had landed a job in the federal government working for the ministry of national defense. Her co-workers, some who were over twice her age, would say, “Hey Jess, you really have it made so early in your life. If you stay and work here, you’ll be able to advance to a high position and command a salary exceeding that of school teachers and other professions.”
Yes, many young twenty-six year olds would jump at the opportunity of building a strong foundation in this position, but for Jessica, this place where she was at was not her calling. She only considered it a job, a stepping-stone to where she wanted to be: “a governess of the land!” she might say, if you asked her.
Jessica was destined for greatness, and here she was, living with this roommate, who had these grand designs in his head, he believing that they loved each other, he believing that it was more important to prepare for the next life, and she, hardly beginning to live this one which thus far was greatly rewarding and full of promise. What was their common ground? They both understood each other; they both respected each other’s position; they never argued.
But because he was much older than she, he found it quite difficult both psychologically and physically to find a middle ground with her, a plane where they could mutually enjoy experiences together and grow from them, and this is where they began to disappoint each other.
The early January of the New Year brought a fresh crop of snow to the ground. Jessica said eagerly. “Let’s go out and make a snowman.” Somewhat reluctantly, but hoping it would be a happy experience for both, he said, “Ok.”
They each picked a spot in the backyard and began rolling their own individual snowball towards the front of the house. By the time they had reached the place where the snowman would stand, their snowballs were gigantic.
“Your snowball is a little smaller than mine, Jessica. Let’s put yours on top of mine. We’ll have to lift it together,” he said.
The ball was heavy. It put quite a strain on him. Eventually, it was placed in the perfect spot. Another smaller ball was added to the top for the snowman’s head. The snowman was a success once a carrot was made for its nose, two small dark pebbles for the eyes, and a stick pipe in the hollowed out mouth.
Jessica was quite happy. The two of them had accomplished something together.
The next day, unknown assassins had destroyed the snowman to the ground.
The same day, he awoke with a bad back pain, which lasted for over five weeks. He realized he could not sacrifice his health for her happiness. He could not pretend to enjoy things for her sake. For a while, he did believe maybe he could win her heart by laying down his life for her, and he may have been right.
“Next week, before I leave for Calgary to continue my studies in environ-tech, I’m going to celebrate and have a farewell party at a seafood restaurant downtown, and it would really be important for me if you would come,” she meaningfully said.
He asked where the restaurant was and the time of the gathering, but he did not give her a clear answer. Quite a number of things had happened for her since the snowman incident. She had moved out of the house in May, had quit her job in June, made plans for her move in early September, and now she was asking for something that challenged him socially.
All of his life, he never could stand large crowds of people. He rarely went anywhere socially. He never learned how to enjoy himself well in these events. He was a loner. He only enjoyed the company of another or a few others in the privacy of a house or a small outside area. He had a weakness of confidence in these settings. He was quite aware of his ugly and retarded like features and he knew not all were comfortable when he made contact with people. Sometimes, he scared people. Sometimes, people would say, “Please leave.” Or, “I don’t want to have anything to do with you.” Years earlier, his mother confided to him the truth that when he was first born, his father uttered, “He’s all yours, Betty. I’m not having anything to do with him.”
He thought much about the farewell party for Jessica, maybe too much. He considered that he would be among people in her own peer group, and he would have nothing to contribute to the group conversationally. He would be a deadbeat, he concluded. But he had not learned something about women then. He did not know that just his presence there would bring great happiness to her. He did not have to add life to the party by exercising the ego. He just had to show up and that would make a great impression on her. But he did not have that knowledge then.
The day of the event had arrived. He had not slept well. It was a hot August day and he had to work early in the morning. After work, as he was driving home, his lack of sleep the night before was causing him to make some driving errors on the road. He changed lanes too early, and cut off a passing driver. The driver switched lanes, and he mistakenly cut him off again! The driver interpreted his behavior as road rage. The driver began to shout at him through the window saying,”Oh, you’re good. When I get back to the police station, I’m going to run a check on your vehicle. You just wait. You’re going down.”
He was truly sorry for his driving that morning. He waved peace signs at the angered driver but this was profitless. Each time he and the other driver came to a stop, the driver would continue shouting at him until their cars went in separate directions. He was finally glad to be home, and right then concluded he would not see Jessica that evening.
When the time came for the party, he was afraid Jessica might come to get him. He got into his car and drove up to the mountain to avoid that possibility. On the mountain, he stayed in his car, listening to music. Then he found a park bench to sit on and later did some walking. It was now getting dark out, so he made his way back to the house. It was one of the worst days of his life.
Now, one and a half years later, he had no contact with Jessica. She left no forwarding address, no phone number, and no e-mail for him to be in touch with her. But this did not stop him from having deep spiritual feelings for her.
Many nights, he would dream about her. In one the dream, he asked her, "will you come and visit me again, Jessica?' She said, "No." He then proceeded to caress her hair, and tell her how important she was to him. "You don't know what you mean to me Jessica. You are older now. We can try harder. We can learn how to play the role of a couple," he whispered softly into her ear.
After stroking her hair for sometime, he said, "look Jessica. Look at your hair! It is singing, and it is shaped like an angel." But Jessica could not follow his direction. It seemed as if she was overwhelmed with guilt and she began to try and take her life by preparing to jump off a high ledge. He shouted, "no Jessica, don’t do it. Don’t do this to yourself."
He awoke from the dream and could feel her inside of him. This often happened when he dreamed about her. When he touched his skin, he knew she was there. "My skin is her," he said quietly to himself.
Yes, it really seemed important for him now to let her know all about what he was experiencing within. He still believed life on this side of the veil had a purpose for him, maybe for them. He hoped someday he could tell her, and he hoped she would understand and agree. If he got the chance, he would say to her, "Jessica, we could be two tall standing trees, sharing the same earth, having deep spiritual roots. Our roots could penetrate vast treasures of experience in the soil of God."
Predictably, she might say afterward, "but I don’t feel this way about you. Why do you feel this way about me?' He would say, "It is simple Jessica. It has to do with what we were both experiencing in our lives when we first met. We were both on a search. You desired a broader academic base. You were searching for more secular knowledge. I was searching for truth, spiritual truth. We both had parts inside of us that needed to be filled. When we met, when you came into my life, when I began to make observations about who you are, I quickly came to the conclusion that you were best suited to complimenting me. I could give you a life, because you were giving me life."
He would continue, "We were both hungry Jessica. We were both experiencing something new in our lives. Did you know then, how it was? Your mind and my spirit were both sponging up new actions, new ventures. And did you know how eager my spirit was to find yours! Did you know that I could take a piece of your hair and stroke it, and know that there was information in the cell structure of the hair that could reach my spirit. Really, Jessica, I could tell you so much more, but not all at once. I'm just trying to tell you how important you are in my life without telling you everything. I have no idea how this knowledge might affect you. This is real life drama, Jessica. It is the stuff that makes the Milky Way galaxy."
And so, he hoped that this would reach her, all of these venues he was playing out in his mind. "What else could there be," he thought. "What else is keeping me here, keeping me on her. Why is this so important?"
An inner voice spoke to him saying, "It is as though you were standing at the bottom of a mountain, and this mountain represents a union between you and Jessica. You have come to this mountain many times before. You are still observing the possibilities. The mountain is high. You can see yourself climbing up to a certain height. The terrain is sloped. Beyond this point, the terrain gets much steeper. You have not seen yourself climb here. You want to reach Jessica. You want to summon her spirit. When you see yourself climbing on that steeper grade, you will find her climbing there also. This is where she already is, and where you have to get to."
He really did not want another challenge at this time in his life. He wanted Jessica to be here, in the here and now. Of all of the thoughts, feelings, ideas, and words coming out of him, he firmly believed it would happen. She would come back into his life. She would read his story about her and she would understand that she was best suited for him. At the moment, he believed he just had to be patient, patient with her, patient with himself. He presently saw it as a never-ending desire, a desire he hoped he would never overcome. He did not want to get past feeling for her because he believed there might be nothing left to feel after her.
And then it happened. She found herself back at the house. She came back because she believed she had left something behind after she had moved out. She did not find what she was looking for at that moment, but he did.
He found her again, and he made the most of this precious opportunity. He said, "Jessica, I want you to come into my room. I have something for you to read. You can have a seat here. All that I want to tell you is here on the computer."
She sat down next to him and took reign of the laptop. The computer was running a music software program. Also, there were other people in the room. He looked at her and said, "There are other people here, and this is not the best way I want to share these things with you." She understood. In fact, she knew that it was his heart that was being addressed here. Just the knowledge of this made her teary eyed.
He reached out to hold her, to embrace her. He held her for quite sometime, and then she reached out to him with an even stronger embrace. She began to cry, and he gently held her as this river of emotion washed through her. What she had really left behind was now hitting her hard. It was he. It was their relationship. It was that unique bonding of their souls. He knew it was she for so long, and now she knew that they were eternal soul mates.
As he continued to hold her, he sensed that there was still a part of him, which was separate from her. He was still sometimes conscious of this, but this did not trouble him because he knew that in time he would be more of her, knowing her mind, her feelings, her body. Eventually, he would know all of her and they would become one.
Her crying had stopped, and he began to explore her body. He was standing behind her. He started to undo her blouse. Slowly, he began to feel the outlines of her breasts with the palms of his hands. He was now moving towards the center. He began to lightly touch her nipples, moving in a circular motion with his forefingers and thumb. Now, he gently squeezed and pinched her nipples. She let out a groan of pleasure. He faced her now and started to kiss and suck all of her nipples and breasts. And he went on to more carnal adventure with her, she enjoying many things, which are of adult nature and need not be intimated beyond their relationship.
And then, he woke up. “Oh, you are kidding!” he said. “Why can’t this ever be real? Am I really in love with Jessica, or is God playing with my mind? The dream was so real to me. It was beautiful.”
He used to think that dreams were the gateway to other lives he would live, that they were glimpses of what God would be promising to him after this one. All in all, this may be true, and he would gladly accept this explanation, but lately, he had been reading up on some of Freud’s analysis of dreams and had to concur there must be some truth in this great psychologist’s conclusions.
But this is what he wanted to believe as the truth: he believed that if the other person had a similar dream or vision as his, then this would verify that they in some way belonged together. He decided he would try to find out if this could be true. Sometimes, if he had a dream the night before about some relationship concerning a girl, he would go and find the girl the next day and tell her. In most cases, this turned out to be a negative experience. He would usually only frighten the girl and walk away from the experience most disappointedly. Other times when he had a similar dream, he would approach the girl and do what he could to act the dream out, that is, to say the things verbally to her as he spoke them to her in the dream. Again, this would often frighten or startle the girl. He remembered one time saying to Jessica in the hallway of the house, “Jessica, I want you for all of eternity.” She replied, “Watch it John, you are scaring me.”
Todos los derechos pertenecen a su autor. Ha sido publicado en e-Stories.org a solicitud de John Wells.
Publicado en e-Stories.org el 03.02.2008.